The Best Phantom Christmas Pageant Ever!
by Beloved-Infidel
Summary: A Christmas concert gone horribly wrong. Mayhem, madness, shepherd's crooks... ah, the holiday season.rnrn(Formerly posted as Lady Serenity)
1. Act I

**The Best Phantom Christmas Pageant Ever**  
_(Act 1)_

_(Curtains rise as the orchestra tunes its instruments. First up is Christine singing "Angels I Have Heard in My Mirror" to the tune of "Ding Dong Merrily On High." No this is not a mistake on the author's part, Christine tends to confuse "Angels We Have Heard On High" with "Ding Dong Merrily On High". All the Glorias confuse the poor girl.)_

**Christine:** _(Steps up wearing a very pretty dark green dress, much like her blue Wishing dress, only green and Christmassy. In her hair is a tinsel hairpiece and she dons a mistletoe choker. Very pretty.)_

Angels I have heard in my mirror  
Come to me while I'm changing

**Erik:**_ (Visibly blushing)_ It was only that once. I didn't mean to...

**Christine:** And my little dressing room  
Is filled with the Angel singing  
Glooooooo-oooooooooo-ooooooooo-oooooooooo-ooooooooo-ooooooooria  
Hossana in excelses  
Glooooooo-oooooooooo-ooooooooo-oooooooooo-ooooooooo-ooooooooria  
Hossana in excelses

Eve so here below below  
Wait those aren't the right wo-ords...

_(She stops singing and stares off into space, lost in thought. She wanders offstage trying to think of the right words.)_

**Erik:** _(Pokes his head out from backstage, then walks on, wearing his usual tuxedo)_ Ahem.  
_(he clears his throat and starts singing to the tune of "Deck the Halls")_

Deck the halls with bloody bodies!  
Falalalalalalalala!

_(A shepherd's crook comes onstage and yanks him off before he can sing anymore)_

**Firmin:** _(Walks on, wearing a tux as well)  
_Sorry, we didn't know he was singing that. Now, um, is the lovely miss... uh...  
_(He flips through the program to see who's next)_  
Raoul, Le Vicomte de Chagney with "All I Want For Christmas". Raoul, the song.

**Raoul:** _(hums and twiddles his thumbs, not paying attention. He too, is wearing a tux. Not much variety for our gentlemen here, hm?)_

**Firmin:**_ (through his teeth)_ Now!

**Raoul:** _(looks startled, then dashes onstage)_ Oh, right!  
_(singing with a bit of a lisp)_  
All I want for Christmas is my two...  
_(He stops, looking perplexed, trying to find the right words. The audience looks a little below his waist expectantly. Suddenly, he remembers)_  
Front teeth!  
_(the audience snickers)  
_What? I do!  
_(He grins, revealing a hole where his two front teeth were. The audience laughs harder)_  
I lost them in a fight with Erik! Honest!

**Christine:** _(from backstage)_ No you didn't, I knocked them out you silly fop!

**Raoul:**_ (Blushes deeply and runs offstage sobbing)_

**Meg:**_ (steps timidly onstage, wearing a ridiculously low cut light pink dress with large bows and frills, her face tear streaked) _Raoul baby is sad, poor Raoul baby...  
_(She sniffles and starts to sing "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus")_

I saw Maman kissing Fi-irmin  
Underneath the mistletoe last night...

**André:** _(from backstage)_ You BITCH!_ (there is a loud slapping sound)_

**Firmin:** _(runs onstage, holding the left side of his face. He grabs Meg's wrist)_ Say one more word about your mother and I and I will tell her what you were doing at the Moulin Rouge last night, Miss Nutmeg.

**Meg:** _(gasps)_ You were THERE?

**Firmin:** Why yes, I go there every night, you're very flexible. I mean, er... oh damn.

**Meg:**_ (screams)_ PEDOPHILE! _(she slaps him across the right cheek and dashes offstage)_

**Firmin:** _(chases after her)_ Nutmeg, I mean Madmoiselle Giry! Don't be upset, I'm sorry, really I am! I'll even give you an extra tip next time!

**Mme. Giry:** _(storms after Firmin, brandishing her cane)_  
YOU LEAVE MY DAUGHTER ALONE YOU TWISTED LITTLE -  
_(a loud crash drowns out the last part. Meg, Firmin, and Mme. Giry run back across the stage, going the other way. Another loud crash and muffled girlish screams come from the wings.)_

**Firmin:** _(offstage)_ EEK! Stop it, that HURTS! MOMMY MAKE IT STOP!!!!

**André:** _(stomps onstage, wearing a black suit and pink tie and looking positively furious)_  
La Carlotta, singing "We Wish You a Merry Christmas"  
_(he stomps back off)_

**Carlotta:** _(singing "This trophy" style at first, the normally)  
_We wiiiii-iiiiiiiiii-iiiiiiiiii-iiiiii-iiiiIIIIIIIIIIIIIsh  
_(loud sound of smashed glass falling to the floor)_  
You a merry Christmas  
We wish you a merry Christmas  
We wish you a merry Christmas  
And a happy new year!  
Good tidings we bring  
To you and your friends  
Good tidings, Merry Christmas  
And a happy new year!

So bring us some figgy pudding.  
_(trails off)_  
FIGGY PUDDING?  
_(looks around)  
_Where? Where?  
_(she steals away to go find her pudding)_

_(Firmin runs by, chased by Meg wielding her mother's cane.)_

**Meg:** You want a pole dance? I'll SHOW you a pole dance buddy!

**André:** _(Steps timidly onstage)  
_Well, er, I suppose I'll sing something then.  
_(starts singing "Winter Wonderland")_  
Sleighbells ring, are you listening?

**Erik:** _(storming onstage, the sheepherd's crook stuck around his waist)_  
I'll ring your sleighbells.  
GET THIS THING OFF ME ANDRE!

**André:** _(inching away slowly)_  
In the lane, snow is glistening.  
_(he gulps)_  
Mommy...

_(People chasing people and running everywhere, managers being royally whackslapped, general chaos on the stage. Backstage, you hear Raoul sobbing, Christine saying "There, there, they'll grow back, I'm sure..." and Raoul wailing, "Those aren't the kind of things that GROW back!" and starting with a fresh round of sobbing. Ah yes, the joys of Christmas...)_

_(Curtains close)_


	2. Entr'Acte

_(Our cast is backstage, lounging and relaxing in between acts. Firmin, Raoul, Mme. Giry, and Erik play cards. Meg is braiding Christine's hair. Piangi is serving as a pillow for Carlotta and André is reading his newspaper. Firmin slaps his hand on the card table, startling everybody)_  
**Firmin:** You know, I've been thinking... is this show diverse enough for our audience?  
_(everyone turns to look at Nadir)_  
**Nadir:** What? What are you all looking at me for?  
_(shrugs, coughs and muttering all around)_  
**André:** Well, isn't everyone here Christian?  
**Raoul:** I am.  
**Carlotta:** So am I.  
**Piangi:** Sí.  
**Firmin:** I'm Jewish.  
**Christine:** _(raises her hand)_ I'm Hindu.  
**Meg:** Athiest.  
**Mme. Giry:** Kabhalist.  
**Nadir:** Islam.  
**Erik:** Zen Buddhist.  
_(everyone stares in awe)_  
**Erik:** _(insulted)_ Is that really so hard to believe?  
**Raoul:** _(opens his mouth to answer, then thinks better of it)_  
**André:** _(speechless)_ Oh... so, do we want to change the Second Act?  
**Firmin:** ... it's a bit last minute, isn't it?  
**Raoul:** Show must go on, and all that.  
**Erik:** I think we're ok as is.  
_(there is a general murmur of agreement before the cast returns to their previous activities)_


	3. Act II

**Erik:** _(strides onstage)_ Good evening ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Second Act. _(He smiles winningly at the audience)_

**Audience:** _(cheers loudly, a few phangirls swoon)_

**Erik:** For our first performance, I will be singing "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire." Ahem.  
Raoul's nu-  
_(the shepherd's crook waves menacingly from the stage right wings)_  
All right, all right, I'll be nice! _(rolls his eyes)_ Honestly now...  
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire  
Jack Frost nipping at your nose  
Yuletide songs  
Being sung by the choir  
I hung Raoul up by his toes.  
Oh wait, no that's my own special version of the song... _(grins manically)_ Sounds like fun though, doesn't it?  
_(Yoink! Erik is pulled offstage once again for unsportsmanlike conduct)_

**Meg:** _(struts onstage, wearing a skimpy red dress and a Santa hat. She begins to sing in a sultry voice)_   
Santa baby, just slip a sable under the tree,  
For me.  
Been an awful good girl,  
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight.  
_(The men in the audience salivate and wolf whistle. Meg grins and winks, loving the attention. She dances provocatively as she sings, swinging her hips and flashing lots of cleavage. Backstage, Mme. Giry faints from shock)_  
Think of all the fun I've missed,  
_(Meg moves out into the audience)_  
Think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed,  
_(she climbs into the lap of a surprised audience member)_  
Next year I could be just as good,  
If you'll check off my Christmas list,  
_(she pinches his cheek and stands up. The audience member looks disappointed)_  
Come and trim my Christmas tree,  
_(Meg turns to walk back onto the stage)_  
With some decorations bought at Tiffany's,  
_(she wiggles her hips. The front row ogles)_  
I really do believe in you,  
Let's see if you believe in me,  
_(she looks over her shoulder and winks before hopping up onstage)_  
Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing,  
A ring.  
I don't mean on the phone,  
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight,  
Hurry down the chimney tonight.  
Hurry, tonight.  
_(She blows a big kiss to the audience. All the men are on their feet, their girlfriends looking less than happy.)_

**Raoul:** _(steps onstage. He taps the microphone.)_ Is this thing on? _(he is bombarded by shrieking feedback from the microphone.)_ Ow! Jeez! I guess that's a yes.... First, a round of applause for the always lovely Miss Meg Giry!  
_(Meg scurries back onstage to thunderous applause, grinning and bowing. The front row takes this chance to look down her dress)_  
Ok, I know I'm supposed to be singing "Jingle Bells," but I wanted to do this for my one true love.  
_(clears his throat)_  
You're too good to be true  
Can't take my eyes off of you  
You look like heaven to touch  
I want to hold you so much  
_(he turns to Christine, who is standing in the wings)_  
At long last love has arrived  
And I thank God I'm alive  
You're just too good to be true  
Can't take my eyes.  
Off of...  
You!  
_(Raoul breaks into a tap-dance)_  
I need you baby, and if it's quite all right  
I love you baby, to warm a lonely night  
And let me love you-  
_(the infamous shepherd's crook appears once again, this time to pull our hopeless romantic off the stage before he hurts himself)_

**Firmin:** _(almost in tears)_ I can't take much more of these shenanigans. Can't we just cut to the medley? _(to the conductor) _Please? Thank you.

_(The curtain closes. Movement can be heard backstage as the cast prepares for the big finale!)_


	4. Finale

**André and Firmin:** Oh the weather outside is frightful  
But our diva is so delightful  
And since we need lots more dough,  
See the show!  
See the show!  
See the show!

**Carlotta:** I've been the star of the show for six seasons  
For God knows whatever reasons  
I'll throw a tantrum if you don't go  
See the show!  
See the show!  
See the show!

**Meg:** _(clinging onto Raoul's arm)_  
When we finally kiss goodnight  
_(she puckers her lips and holds mistletoe over their heads)_

**Raoul:** Eugh! _(runs off)_

**Erik:** _(sighs deeply)_ Those aren't even the words to our song...

**Christine:** _(shoving Meg out of the way)_ My turn!  
When the curtains close for the night

**Audience:** _(gets up to leave)_

**Christine:** _(shouting)_  
BUT WAIT, NOT YET! THERE'S STILL MORE!

**Audience:** _(frightened, sits back down)_

**Christine:** _(grinning brightly)_  
The doors are all locked up tight  
So stick around for the final encore!

**Company:** Ooooooh though Carlotta -

**Carlotta:** Wait a minute!

**Company:** Um... Though the Phantom -

**Erik:** _(glares)_ Watch it!

**Company:** Though the lyrics to the songs are frightening  
We hope it's been enlightening  
Mercifully, the show's over now!  
Take a bow!  
Take a bow!  
Take a bow!  
_(bows and blows kisses to the audience)_

**Audience:** _(skeedadles out of there as fast as possible)_

**Raoul:** Well... I think that went well, don't you?

_(everyone tackles him)_

**Raoul:**Ouch! Hey! What did I do?!?

FIN! 


End file.
